Christmas versions of non-Christmas games, part 2

It's Christmas! I mean, it's literally Christmas Day—the evening of, no less—as I write this. Yes, I'm finally back with more Christmasified games. I didn't intend for this to take so long, but I had a lot of things (including, it must be admitted, laziness) get in the way. Right now I'm listening to Trans-Siberian Orchestra's Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24 on loop to give me the energy to finish, so in the interests of getting it out before Christmas is over and I'm forced to scrounge together an article about New Year's games, let's get cracking!

Holiday Lemmings (PC, 1994)

 

There are actually a number of Christmas-themed Lemmings games, variously called Xmas Lemmings or Holiday Lemmings, and the subseries includes both shareware demos intended to entice you to buy normal Lemmings games and full paid releases like this one. Lemmings is perhaps a natural fit for Christmas, or at least winter, as the real-life lemming lives in the Arctic tundra, where contrary to myth it does not throw itself off cliffs in mass suicides. This misconception, popularized by a Disney-produced documentary where the filmmakers literally threw lemmings off of cliffs to get the shots, was nevertheless the inspiration for the video games, in which the lemmings will haplessly walk to their deaths unless you intervene by giving them various jobs such as hole-digger, stairway-builder, and patent attorney. I'd check whether this particular game does anything with the formula besides adding some Christmas-y backgrounds, but I'm too afraid of being disappointed to discover there are no life-saving Present Wrapper or Christmas Tree Decorator jobs.

You can see from this cover that the game's lemmings differ from the real rodent in a number of physical ways as well, as they do not have a wreath of green hair or the ability to walk on two feet, let alone ice skate. Speaking of those ice skates, they appear to be coming directly out of the lemming's feet, which raises a number of unsettling possibilities. Perhaps they erupted from inside his feet as part of a natural but painful metamorphosis, producing a shower of blood that stained the surrounding snow crimson. Perhaps this lemming is so dedicated to skating that he had the blades attached directly to the bones of his feet with surgical screws; if that's the case, it's all the more tragic that he's about to be betrayed by his beloved winter sports when he gets pasted upside the head by that upsettingly yellow snowball. Don't worry though, judging by that black-leafed holly he has on his hat he'll always have being a festive goth as a fallback winter hobby.

Jazz Jackrabbit 2: The Christmas Chronicles (PC, 1998)

 

Jazz Jackrabbit is a series of PC-based platformers featuring the titular green hare, with this particular title being a Christmas expansion of the second game. This cover continues the longstanding tradition of letting male anthropomorphic animals run around more or less naked but forcing the ladies, in this case Jazz's sister Lori, to wear clothing, and call me a furry if you will (you wouldn't be wrong), but if you ask me that's for cowards. If only more artists had the courage of the creators of the old western Sonic the Hedgehog cartoons and early issues of the Archie Sonic comics, in which Sally Acorn won a victory for feminists everywhere by not wearing anything but her boots despite being both a princess and a revolutionary. At least Lori managed to limit the damage to a crop top and shorts, so she can be almost as cold as her comrades.

Another troubling thing about this cover is the casual attitude towards sleigh-piloting on display here. Normally, of course, Santa's sleigh is pulled by eight or nine reindeer, depending on your position on the Rudolph issue that has divided theologians for centuries. This large number creates a margin of safety through redundancy, similar to how a large jet airliner can fly on only two of its engines, in case one of the reindeer is hit by an anti-aircraft surface-to-air missile fired by one of Santa's enemies. But here, you'll notice that the entire sleigh, including the presents for all the children of the world, is being pulled by only a single aerial ungulate. The reindeer in question's head is obscured by the title, so we can't even tell if it's one of the famous named reindeer like Rudolph or Blitzen or one from the backup squad who was lent out to Jazz and his friends to deliver presents to children who are low priority on Santa's triaged naughty-or-nice list.

Worse still, the aforementioned reindeer is attached to the sleigh only by a single rope held in the hand of Jazz. Once the frigid high-altitude temperatures begin to numb his extremities, there'll be nothing to stop that rope from slipping out of his fingers, leaving the sled to plummet thousands of feet through the night air. That's if they even make it that long—they're just as likely to crash into something first, as Jazz isn't even looking where he's going, preferring instead to glance back and laugh mockingly at his terrified brother Spaz as he frantically tries to maintain a desperate grip on one of the sled runners that's the only thing between him and a deadly drop into a frozen lake.

The Maestromusic: Merry Christmas (Playstation, 2000)

 

Up next is another conducting-based rhythm action game to go with last time's Bravo Music, and this one improves on the cover of that game's Christmas edition by putting the conductor in a Santa suit. Unfortunately, when you add up the hat, beard, baton, shoes, and tails, this Santa is oddly pointy, as if he was reworked from the artist's unused design for a tuxedoed sea urchin character, perhaps made as part of plans to reimagine the Rat Pack as marine invertebrates (Frank Sinatra would have been a sea cucumber). More disturbing, however, is the Christmas choir, whose clasped hands (or sticks, in the case of the snowman) make them look like they're worshipfully beseeching the Santa-conductor for presents and cookies in a paganistic Yule ritual.

I'm not sure whether the guy at the back is an actual reindeer or just a guy in a suit. The way his face is drawn makes him look like it's the latter, and considering I already admitted to being a furry I suppose I'm not in a position to judge anyone for fursuiting, but I'm not sure why they would do that. After all, it's just a drawing, so it's not like getting a real reindeer would've cost anything extra, and unless you want to claim the snowman is actually also a costume with elaborate rigging for the wearer to control the stick-arms (not to mention an angel and some celestial being that possibly represents the Star of Bethlehem) it's not like having a bipedal singing reindeer would've shattered the realism of the image.

Outlaw Golf: 9 More Holes of X-Mas (Xbox, 2003)

 

We end up back where we started with the followup to the first Outlaw Golf Christmas expansion, mentioned in the last article. This cover, with its prominent "ONLY ON XBOX" logo, all but confirms my suspicions about the last game also being a system exclusive. As for the art, the background appears to be exactly the same as was used in the last one, right down to Santa flying past in his sled. The sled is being pulled by six reindeer, a few short of the traditional eight or nine but far better than the single one Jazz Jackrabbit managed to scrounge up, so I guess this Santa has enough speed to take a quick break from his Christmas preparations to play some golf—at least, I assume that's why he's here, considering that club he's waving around wildly. Also of note is that the flag in the hole appears to be depicting Benjamin Franklin's famous 1754 "Join, or Die" political cartoon. Turning to the characters that are the actual focus of the image, all I'll say is that lady is wearing some truly hideous pants.

Hey, I made it just in time! So let me wrap up by wishing you a Merry Christmas if you observe and Happy Holidays otherwise, and here's hoping none of your well-meaning relatives accidentally gives you a terrible game.